


Understanding

by Hiya96



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Kissing, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sexual Confusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2020-09-06 19:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20296432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiya96/pseuds/Hiya96
Summary: I looked outside my window and saw him play basketball. He was fast. Girls where cheering for him to win. He had dark circles around his eyes, his bangs where dripping with sweat. He didn't had a shirt on and wore a fake smile on his unreadable face.





	1. Misunderstanding

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a manhwa owned by Old Xian.  
Story begins after chapter 295
> 
> Ps. English isn't my first language, sorry for any mistakes! Hope you enjoy! :)

"Wait! It's a misunderstanding! It's not what it looks like! Damn it!" He closed the door, his face looked like a tomato.  
  
"You!" He pushed me so hard, I had to take a step back.  
  
"Why do you always make shit so complicated? He misunderstood the whole fucking situation! Why did you even grab me like that you asshole?!"  
  
I was not in the mood. I told him. He must have forgotten...  
  
"Hey, say something you chickendick!"  
  
He moved a little closer. I was still looking at the ground, if I look up I didn't know what I'll do to him.  
  
"Answer my question, when did you meet she li?"

I asked as calm as I could.  
  
"It's non of your business."  
  
I looked at him, my anger was taking control.. he already turned his back at me.  
  
"I need to help clean up, get out and leave me alone."  
  
I grabbed his wrist and janked him closer to me. I needed him to understand that this, this was it. This was the last drop.  
  
But when I did, he defended himself. He held his free arm up, waiting to get hit. I realised I janked him to hard and my hold on his wrist was to firm. He closed his eyes.  
  
"...Mo, look at me."  
  
He slowly opened his eyes.  
I was boiling with anger and was disappointed in myself. He didn't feel safe. I didn't make him feel safe.

I locked my eyes with his, the guilt was eating me.  
My hold on his wrist loosened and I let go. But my eyes didn't leave his.  
  
"Do you know why I'm asking you why you met that fucking sn..."  
  
"I don't want to know" he said as quietly as he could. I never heard him like that. As if he was afraid of the answer I would give him.  
  
"You don't want to know or you already know?"  
  
"...Don't. Don't pretend you care." He turned his back at me again. And went to pick up something from the ground. "I know that you think you're helping me but you're only making my life harder."  
  
"I'm making it harder for you?"  
  
"YES YOU MAKING IT HARDER FOR ME." He yelled and turned to face me. "I never asked for any of this! Not with you, not with She Li. I just want to be left alone!"  
  
"Did he say something to upset you?"  
  
"Just go He Tian... I'm not dealing with you today."  
  
"Do you know how I feel about you?..." I wasn't as confident as I thought I would be. My voice came out soft. I didn't want to hear his answer, I just wanted for him to hear mine. I got closer but stopped inches away from him. "I care about you.. more than I may seem to let on. I'm still new to this... this emotion. I don't know how to..." I wanted to touch him, let him know how I feel. I wasn't good with words.  
  
"Tian, stop..." He closed his eyes again. I stopped as I was just about to touch this left cheek.  
  
I saw him shift. I could tell it made him uncomfortable. I lowerd my hand back at my side.  
  
I laughed. I'm such an idiot, where was I going with this. What did I expect? He doesn't feel safe with me. I took a step back. "Don't worry... I understand. I'll leave you alone. Just... if he does something at least tell Jian Yi or Zhan Zheng. They're your friends."  
  
I had to leave the room, It felt as if I was in a car crash. I wanted to hit someone. If I found that fucking snake, I would skin him alive.


	2. Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this chapter earlier then I thought.  
It's not long but I hope you enjoy ~

I opened my eyes. I could see him about to leave the room. I could stop him just as I did a minute ago. But I don't know if I wanted to.  
  
What I feel is not the same as him. I couldn't explain the relationship I had with him. It was not the same as with buzzcut, or the two idiot friends, or even fucking She Li. With him it was different.  
  
I trust him, he is loyal and he did protect me multiple times. Ever since that day in the hospital... I felt different about him.  
  
I looked at my wrist. Fuck, I hope it doesn't bruise. If my mom ever sees this, she'll loss her mind.  
  
"I'm sorry..." He was facing the door, with his hand on the handle. "...if I hurt you, I'm sorry."He turn to face me and I saw an expression on this face I have never seen. "I won't ever bother you again."  
  
He opened the door and left...  
  
Two days past by. I didn't hear him, I haven't seen him. I was left alone just like I wanted.  
  
I felt irritated, like I had a mosquitobite that I wasn't allowed to scratch. My heart felt heavy and my mind was like a tornado.  
Then I got distracted by some noise.  
  
I looked outside my window and saw him play basketball. He was fast. Girls where cheering for him to win. He had dark circles around his eyes, his bangs where dripping with sweat. He didn't had a shirt on but still wore that fake smile on his unreadable face.  
  
I wonder what's on his mind... I wonder if it was me...  
Fuck! what was I thinking. I slammed my hands on my desk so loud the girls in my class screamed. I shouldn't be thinking like that, not like that... I'm not attracted to guys...  
And even if I where, it would never be that fucking dick.  
  
I can't allow it, not him. He made my life a living hell up until now. He always drags me, without my consent, to clean for him, to make dinner for him. I should hate him.  
  
I know why he wants me to stay close to him. "But I'm not a fucking girl."  
  
As I was about to leave the classroom, the snake walked in and told everyone to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a short chapter, next will be a lot longer :)


	3. Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter also seems short...I guess that's how I write my story because English isn't my first language. Otherwise it will be a mess, full of errors.  
Please bear with me T-T

I couldn't think straight. I couldn't sleep for the past two days. I smoked more than I normally do.  
I had to keep on smiling, so no one would notice and ask stupid questions.  
  
I know it's only had been two days but I miss him, I miss his frown, his face when he felt embarrassed, his reaction when I did something unexpected, his little cursings....  
  
But I understand that he doesn't feel the same way. I hurt him so many times, it was my turn to get hurt.  
  
I didn't blame him, I was the one who pushed my feelings on to him. I was the one who wanted to be near him, to know where he is and what he was doing. I wanted to protect him but instead I drove him away from me...  
  
"Tian, where is Mo? That dumbass being avoiding us since monday." Jian yi look at me with a frown.  
  
"I don't know, he said he had some stuff to do. We shouldn't bother him."  
  
Jian looked confused. "You always stick to his side like glue. What did you d.. hey I'm talking here!"  
  
I got off the basketball court and told the girls not to follow me. I went to grab my stuff and leave. But Jian stood in my way. He pushed me slightly on the chest.  
  
"Did you do something to him?"  
  
"Jian yi, I'm not in the mood right now."  
  
"Did you hurt redhead, Tian?"  
  
I sighted. I was to tired to speak.  
I was lucky Zheng showed up. I would have argued with Jian.  
  
As I was about to leave I heard Zheng speak up. "She Li is on fire these days, he is always near Mo. I don't know what happened between the two of you but you need to talk or fight it out."  
  
"What do you mean She Li is near Mo?" I felt the anger rising up again.  
  
Jian spook this time " I heard that She Li and his gang are bothering Mo, he wants him back in his gang. Something about Mo still owning She Li."  
  
I put my shirt on and left everything behind. I need to find him. If I found that poisonous snake first, I will rip it's teeth out with my bear hands.  
  
After ten minutes I found him in a classroom. She Li was holding Mo by the neck up against a wall.  
Everything turned black.

* * *

I was struggling to get out of his grip but I was held by two other fuckers.  
Hi Tian opened the door and his eyes turned black, veins poped on his face and he turn into a wild animal.  
  
There were four guys in the room, but non stood a chance against him. They let me go so they could fight. But they were no mach for him. It looked like he fought for a living.  
  
"Tian stop!" I was afraid he would do more damage, and we would both be in trouble again. And this time it wouldn't just be a scolding. I could see him break bones and I shivered.  
  
When he went up to She Li, he didn't stop. He tackled him down and kept beating and beating him. That lunatic was laughing and smiling. I wanted to pull Tian off but he was to strong. "HI TIAN STOP, please..." I put both my arms around his neck.  
  
He stopped, got up and pulled me by the wrist out of the classroom.  
  
"Hey..wait..Hi Tian."  
  
He didn't stop, we went up the stairs and passed the 'forbidden' sign.  
  
"We're already in trouble don't make this worst, stop!!" I tried to pull back but his grip on my wrist was to firm. I couldn't escape.  
  
"You asshole I said STOP!"  
  
He opened the door to the rooftop. There was no one there.  
  
He still didn't let go off my wrist. He shoved me against a wall and before I knew it, he crashed his lips against mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! If you guys have any requests for the next chapters, do tell~


	4. Rejection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished it today!  
Had nothing better to do to be honest 😅  
Hope you like it~

I was so angry I could barely think. He didn't listen to what I said. I told him that if he didn't want my help he could at least go to Jian or Zheng.  
  
I crashed our lips together but that was not how I wanted it. His lips didn't feel soft, just hard and thin. Our lips parted and I looked him in the eyes, he was looking everywhere but at me. I felt annoyed. "Look at me." I sounded terrifying.  
  
I held him, each hand on one cheek.  
"Goddamn it, let me go."  
He still has the strength to struggle against me. My arms pinned him back by the shoulders against the wall, hard. He let out a cry.  
He needs to be quite and still. "I SAID FUCKING LOOK AT ME!" I didn't feel the pain of my fist that I throw against the wall next to his face. He flinched out of fear. I was losing it, the composer I maintain for years crumbled down. My head was spinning.  
  
My hand was bleeding but that was the least of my concern. My hands went back and cupped his face. I put my thumb on his lips and he stopped struggling, he finally looked me in the eyes. Good.  
He was breathing heavily through his nose. His eyes where a pool, he looked angry and confused at the same time. He held one of my wrists while his other hand try to put a distance between us.  
  
His hand on my chest lost it strength when I stroke his lips, he slightly parted them letting out a soft sigh. I got close and put my leg between his so when he lost his strength in his legs I could still hold him up.  
  
My face was inches away from his. I was hesitating, every emotion that I felt for him came rushing in to my heart. "Tian..please...stop.." when I heard that, my thumb lowered to his bodem lip and I moved closer closing that infuriating gap between us.  
  
I didn't move my lips at first, just letting them rest on his. I tried, with all the anger, patient and love I felt, to be soft. I let his lips go but didn't move to far, still inches away. He closed his eyes. I tried again, hoping he would react. This time I moved my lips a little faster on his. I wanted to ravish him, to make a mess out of him.  
  
After what felt like an eternity he moved his lips with mine. Very slow, and I picked up the pace. My hands went through his vibrant orange hair. Everything felt electrifying.  
  
I put a hand on his nape and I deepend the kiss. I wanted to taste him more, I wanted to touch him. He tasted so sweet and innocent. I lowered my hands on his back, and let them rest on his waist. He felt so thin yet muscular at the same time. His hands where on my face and through my jetblack hair. I subconsciously rubbed the leg that was between his, and that's when he felt out of trance.  
  
"Stop...wait...hmmm..Tian"  
  
I didn't wanted to listen. This could not end, not like this when I was still hungry. I moved on to his neck. I kissed his adam's apple and moved up at his ear.  
  
Suddenly he shivered and became uptight.  
  
He pushed me "..I SAID STOP!" and slapped me as hard as he could. We were both breathing heavily.  
I look at him, every feeling I had came crashing down.  
He was so red, he had tears on his cheeks. Shit.  
  
I took a step closer but he puts his hands up. I understood what he was trying to say.  
  
"I....I'm... sorry." I became quite, waiting for the storm.  
  
"You're..sorry..?" He shook his head and closed his eyes.  
  
I kept looking at him, he looked beautiful.  
  
"I'm sorry Mo. I don't know what came over me. When I saw him hurt you like that I...I lost control."  
  
I know that whatever I said won't matter anymore. I screwed up again, big time...  
  
I put my hands on my face and let my fingers through my hair. A shiver ran through me, I could still feel his hands in my hair. What is wrong with me. Why, when it comes to him, I always screw up. "I'll go..."  
  
As I turn to the door about to leave, I felt a hand on my arm. Out of reflex I grabbed his hand.  
  
"Why?" He asked quietly.  
  
I stood in place not moving a muscle. His hand tucked me back in front of him. I was confused, what did he want from me?  
  
"Why did you help me?.... I told you I don't want to owe you."  
  
Again with the owning. Why doesn't he understand. "You don't owe me and I don't owe you."  
  
"Then why did you help me? Why do you always help me? I'm not weak, I can defend for myself, I always did before you came into my life.. I can handle it."  
  
"Yeah, I can see how you handle it."  
  
"it's non of your business!" He raised his voice slightly.  
  
"Then make it my business!" I did the same.  
"I told you the other day how I feel about you. What I just did...Don't you get it? I can't help it, it's not something that I can stop!" I sighed. I can't take it anymore.  
  
I shook this hand from my arm. " Mo, I know you don't feel the same. But don't expect for me to forget about these feelings. I like you and if that makes you not want to be near me, then I understand..." I looked at him with so much love, I wanted to be open and honest with him. When I'm with him I'm at my most vulnerable.  
  
"But if you are in danger or you need some help with your mother or with homework or with anything. Don't expect me to just stand back and watch how you or the ones you love suffer."  
  
His knees finally give up and he slighted down against the wall. His head between his legs resting on his arms.  
  
"Mo..." I lower myself, I was on one knee. My hand stretched to feel his beautiful orange hair. I stopped just half way bawling my fist, knowing this is not the moment to do so.  
  
When he didn't answer, I took that as my cue to leave.  
  
As I was about to get up and leave he held his head up and looked at me. I waited for something, an answer, a curse, anything better than the silence he give me.  
  
"Your cheek is red."  
  
I could feel the tension.  
  
"Yeah, you hit me as hard as you could."  
  
"Yeah. I did.."  
  
He stretched his arm and touched my burning cheek. I felt a cold shiver going down my spine. I leaned into his hand and closed my eyes.  
  
"Mo, you shouldn't do that."  
  
"Yeah..."

* * *

He held my hand into his. I don't know why I touched him, my body moved on it's own. He kissed my handpalm and put an other kiss on my wrist.  
  
"It's going to bruise, I'm sorry." He said it with so much sadness in his voice. His eyes looked at me dark grey and apologising.  
  
He looked at my wrist and let his fingers linger on more than I thought he would. I knew for a fact that I turned more red, because I could feel my cheeks burn up. Than he lets go and stood up. My hand felt cold without his touch.  
  
"I should go..."  
  
"Tian."  
  
"It's oke, I know you need some time to figure out how you feel about this whole situation...how you feel about me...I'll wait..as long as it takes." A sad smile and than walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will happen next?? Who knows!  
Any requests for the last chapter? Do tell ~


	5. Confession

I got suspended for two weeks class and still had to go to school to help the janitor. Luckily the older man was nice. He did his job and didn't speak so much. The only times he did was when he'll ask for help. Giving the days some good silence. I started to avoid everyone. I had enough of this lifestyle. Continually dragging myself to fake a smile, to pretend I care, I just.. I avoided one..

Cheng had to go to school the day the incident happened. He didn't seem pissed. He said my punishment was right and that I had to take responsibility for what happened. "A He doesn't lose control ever when the one they care about is hurt." I sometimes wonder what is going on in that head of his. Because I knew he would react the same way if it was brother Qiu. "So you would just watch if something happens to Qiu? Don't kid yourself." I scoffed. He was my brother and we had different mothers but we were to much alike, even if I hated that though. "You would have done worse." And I passed him to go home. I had enough of this day.

"Tian, get in the car I'll drive you home."  
I stopped in my tracks. I wanted to hit someone again. I turned around and looked him straight in the eyes. Bastard had our father's eyes. Cold, grey and stone hard. But his had some hint of worry and love that our father didn't seem to possess. Cheng always looked at me like that ever since I could remember. I hated his eyes. Because his words, eyes, posture, actions..non seemed to understand the other.

He was always calm. 'A He doesn't lose control.' Father's words. I didn't wanted to hear that. "Tian, let me take you home." I laughed a short laugh. I was about to lose my mind. I took a step forward to Cheng. An other one. And an other one. Until I was close enough. My hand turned into a fist. And with all the power I had left in me I swinged it at him. He didn't attempt to avoid it, when I knew he could.

It hurts. The pain that my family causes, the pain I caused Mo. Today I couldn't stop any of my emotions. They where already overflowed. Like an oil spill in the ocean. Cheng didn't budge. He stayed calm and avoided my eyes. I took a handfull of this collar shirt. I was on the brick of letting everything go. But then I remembered Cheng telling me that men don't cry.

I let him go and looked at the sky. I scoffed again and walked away.

After a week everyone understood that they shouldn't speak to me, not even look in my direction. I kept to myself, only Zheng and Jian would come eat lunch with me. But they also understood that something in my mind changed. I guessed Zheng always kept Jian from saying something that would get me mad. They didn't say anything about that day. Didn't ask anything. That's what I liked the most about them. They'll wait until I'm ready to say something.

"Well we should get going." Zheng stood up after hearing the bell. "Zheng wait can't we skip English today. I don't understand anything!" Jian whined. "If you want to become strong English is a must to negotiate with bad guys." Zheng told Jian seriously. Jian stood up and dragged Zheng before waiving see you later to me. I laughed. Some idiots those two.

I stayed under a big old tree next to the janitor's cabinet in the garden of the school. Spring is around the corner. The days are getting warmer. I enjoyed these moments more than I did before. They get me calmer. Even if my life is anything but calm.

A knock on the door.  
I was watching some football, I lost my concentration. My thoughts where dangerously ravishing my emotions. I was thinking about everything and nothing. My vision was almost always blurry from thoughts. All about him. All about what happened. 'What if he didn't met me. What if I didn't confessed my feelings. What if I stayed calm. What if..'

Again, a knock on the door. It could be Cheng or Qiu, I didn't want to open the door. At the third knock I got pissed off and stood up to open the fucking door.

"What do you fucking want?"

I was nailed to the ground. He stood before me with a slightly pink blush on his cheeks. His eyes unsettled, his face facing the floor. He had grocery bags on both arms.

"Wha.." Is all I could get out.  
He nervously pushed me inside with his shoulder and proceeded to go to the kitchen.

"I got ingredients for beefstuw...I figured you would like some..."

I was lost. I had to leave the room. I went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. I'm shocked to see my face. It was a mix of confusion, shock, relief and nervousness. I had to cool my head down. I had to stay calm.

I took a shower while he was cooking. I could not believe he was in my house making me dinner after all that happend.

He kept avoiding my eyes which I understood. We where both awkward. We eat in silence.

I cleaned up the table and he was doing the dishes. I took a glass at the sink and accidentally touched his arm. He jumped and a plate fell from this hands. Damn..so this is what I made him feel like. He was scared of me. Whatever he does for me, he does it because he is scared I would do something bad to him.

He took a step away from me and his eyes where big and focused on me. In his eyes I was evil, I come from a powerful family and wrongdoings where a part of who I am. I'm someone he fears will hurt him if he doesn't do what I want. I felt my heart drop like a bird that's been shot from the sky.

"Don't move. Wait here, I'll get a broom."

I can't believe I fooled myself again. Thinking it was different... Thinking he came for me, because he cares about me. To give me an answer. I can't believe I really thought that.

I came back after I collected myself.  
I cleaned up the glass and opend the trashcan. With my back still facing him I composed my voice trying not to show the hurt in it. "You don't have to pay for it, it was an accident." Knowing fully well it wasn't an accident.

He still hasn't moved from his spot.

"I'm going to smoke a sigaret, if you're done doing the dishes you can go. I'll send Qiu to pay you tomorrow." I took one step away when I couldn't hold it in, I turned back, facing him.

"Why did you come? I didn't need to be fed. I can take care of himself. You don't need to feel guilty for what happend. You don't owe me nothing. I did it because I wanted to."

He's head was down. "Please just go. You don't need to say anything. Your body is answering for you." I was done pretending not to feel hurt. I wanted him to know, it hurts.

I turned to make my way to the balcony. The urge to smoke was way to high. I took my time smoking, I was already at my fourth when I heard the balconydoor open.  
I didn't wanted to turn around.

I kept smoking.

"Tian.."

Shit.

When I didn't answer I felt him getting closer to me. He closed the door behind him. I didn't wanted to misunderstand again. Not again, I don't know if my heart could take it.  
I spoke up.

"Mo...I don't know why you're here. "

He didn't answer and my anger rose up but I couldn't turn around to face him. I felt like crying.

"You dropped a plate because I accidentally touched you."  
I took a deep breath.  
"You don't have to force yourself to be near me. If you feel uncomfortable around me because I have these feelings for you than give me time to sort it out on my own. I'll get it in check. I don't expect for you to answer to my feelings. And I don't blame you for that. I just need some ti.."

His arms where around my waist, he stood behind me. His forhead resting on my nape. I couldn't move, not knowing if this was really happening or that I felt asleep on the couch and it was all nothing but a dream.

"Mo.."

"Shut up."

We stood there for a minute but it felt like an eternity.  
He begin talking to my back.

"I don't know, okay. I just... this thing with you.. I can't explain."

"Please Mo....tell me. Because I want to hold on but you're breaking me." I was so vulnerable. I didn't want to hide from him.  
It was his turn to take a deep breath.

"She Li told me you where just like him. Trying to take advantage of me. I didn't believe him. And then he said you wanted to make me yours. Your property. And I didn't liked that. And also, I'm a guy and I...this... I never felt like this. Not with anyone. I know for a long time how you feel about me, but I was scared that I was just a toy to you. Some amusment for a rich boy. I'm scared, not from you, but of my own heart."

"You think that you don't mean nothing to me but a toy?"  
I put my hands on his carefully, afraid he will run away.

"No... when I thought about it, I mean more to you than just a fun little toy...and you mean more to me than I would admit....but I'm still not on the same level as you. And I'm sorry about that. I told mom about it, and she told me how hard it must have been for you.."

"You talk to your mom about me?" I laughed.

"Shut up asshole."  
I laughed again, wondering what the conversation with his mom would have been like. About me. He was talking to his mom about me.

"What do you want to do?" My voice was audibly shaking. "I don't want to mess thing up with you.."

"Just be you, like you always are...If you're okay with that. I'll try to keep up."

"I would like that..." I squeeze his hands around me.

The moonlight and the soft spring breeze made the moment even more special. There was just one thing I would love to do.  
"Can I kiss you? I promise I won't do anything to hurt you."

He let go of me and I turned around to face him. In the night he was more beautiful, his hair was even more orange with the moonlight hitting it. His eyes had a light shine to it as if he wanted to cry. He bit his lips and nodded his head. "Hhmm.."

I cupped his face, he puts his hands around my wrists. I touched my forehead with his, I watched how he closed his eyes. I wanted to kiss his forehead, so I did. I placed a soft kiss and went lower to give him one just below his left ear. He left out a soft sigh as if he was holding his breath the whole time. I kissed the top of this noise when he said "Hey, stop teasing me."

When he licked his lips, I softly put mine on his. This kiss was sweet and slow. He was so tense, it took some time for him to relax in my hold. I wanted more, I wanted to taste him more. But I needed to be patient with him. I bit on his lower lip to ask for excess, which he gave with a soft moan. His tongue against mine, playing for domination. I could feel my own face heat up after that. My ears where ringing and felt hot. But it was short as he pushed me away. I panicked.

"Did I do something wrong? Am I going to fast? Sorry I didn't mean to scare you.."

We where both breathing heavily. 'Shit did I mess up that fast.'

He took my face in his hands and put his forehead against mine.  
"No no...I just...needed to catch my breath..." I held him in my arms, I knew he gave to much of himself at that moment to satisfy me.

"I'm sorry. I'll go slow next time. You just make me lose control little Mo."

"Your ears are red and your face is heating up. Don't get a fever, dumbass."

"You should definitely be the one talking." We where both laughing.

I kissed the top of his nose.

He didn't know how much I love him..or maybe he did. As we stood there on the balcony, I couldn't help but think about our future. And all the challenges that we have to face. I just know that right now we have each other. That night I slept with him in my arms knowing that he is safe and that he felt safe with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the delay! So much has happened to me...  
I finally had the chance to post this chapter!!  
There will be a special chapter coming out! 
> 
> Stay tuned~


	6. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of the future side story~

It was calm in the enormous minimalistic apartment with the sound of the rain that was pouring like it would never end. The old record player he got for his 18 birthday from his mom was playing one of his favorite songs, one of the LP’s he got with it, Michael Bublé’s Me and Mrs. Jones. It was not his typical music genre but he got really into jazz and calmer genre’s after he graduated high school. He even liked classical music, which he never though he would.

He lit a cigarette as he was looking outside, the windows of the apartment were enormous. He could see the whole city from the top floor. He looked up to see the moon, full and bright. He reach out to it, it felt like he could touch it. Suddenly he felt a stinging pain from his lower back. Sitting on the floor made his body sore, he was only 24 but he sometimes felt like he was way older than that. Even though he was in pain he couldn’t get up, too lazy to get a chair. Besides, he had a blanket around him that was too soft and fluffy, making it impossible to move. He snuggled his face in the blanket and took a deep breath. A mix of expensive cologne, strong cigarettes and mint.

He would wash it a thousand time and it would still smell like the fucker. He hated and equally loved that blanket. He looked next to the wall on his right. The apartment was dark with only the smallest of light that was faintly visible from the Christmas lights that where hanging on the wall as decoration. He hung them before sitting down on the floor to enjoy the view. The lights gave the place a softer touch.

As he was following the droplets on the window he figured that it has to be a hellish day. Is was already 11 pm. And there was still no sign from the bastard. No sign. It has been two and a half months…with the rain pouring like it would never end it made Mo think the asshole probably looked like a wreck right now. He always loved the sound of the rain. It’s been 6 years …

* * *

A soft touch, a hand on this cheek, a thumb slowly caressed his cheekbone. He didn’t open his eyes. It wouldn’t have been the first time, mind awake - body asleep. He heard his soft whisper ‘Little fox..’. He slowly opened his eyes. He realized he fell asleep on the floor, he sat up and tried to get the sleep out of his eyes. His vision was out of focus. He looked around, for a second he thought he could see a figure standing a few feet from him. He was stunned and jumped up on his feet.

‘Tian?...’

He put his hands on his face and rubbed hard on his eyes when he didn’t get an answer. He sighed, he looked back up and found no one, he was still alone. No one was there with him. He suddenly felt a cold shiver from the absent of the warm blanket that he was clinging to.

He should go to bed and sleep out. Even if he took vacation for the first time in his life, he still wasn’t comfortable doing so. He worked at a high class restaurant as one of the head chefs. He had a lot of freedom there, he could chose his own dishes for the menu that changed every day. It was a good workplace with an amazing dynamic between the staff members. He never had that. Going to work and be happy about the place and his colleagues. He considered himself lucky. Not long ago being lucky was something he could only imagine.

He took the blanket with him to the bedroom where the king-size bed was. He started to hate the bed. Why did it have to be so gigantic… Tian’s idea.. bastard… He turned back to the living room, he was sleeping on the sofa tonight, again. It was gigantic too but it felt less lonely. He was used to sleeping on a sofa, a king-size bed…alone.. it was still torture. His body was heavy and was yearning for some good rest. He fell tiredly on the sofa and closed his eyes after checking his phone for a message, a sign, anything.. Two and a half months. It was the longest he didn’t hear for him. What can he do?

* * *

‘The only thing you can do is patiently wait. He will be back, he couldn’t miss us even if he wanted to. Especially me, I’m the love of his life.’

Yi said last week. Which earned him a smack to the back of his head from Xi and a muffled laugh from Mo. Yi and Xi had been married for 7 years now, they were still so much in love with each other. They stayed the same, Yi being goofy and Xi being the serious part of the relationship. It’s the perfect balance between them. Mo has never seen such a perfect duo. Xi gave him a small smile to reassure him that everything is going to be okay.

‘You know you still have us here with you. If you need anything no matter where we are, no matter the time, reach out to us. Don’t bottle everything up and try to fix it on your own, please. We know it isn’t easy for you to do that but please try to.’

Xi was always someone who spoke with reason. He was naturally calm and collected, always had an answer. Mo would bet his entire savings that Xi is an old wise spirit trapped in a human body. He could easily become a therapist but he chose to protect people and became a special force soldier that was specialized in terrorism.

The four of them would often train on an extreme level, with Xi as there trainer or one of Tian’s supreme “brothers”. They all got in shape, equally deadly. One the best in combat, the other in weapons, one the top in machines and the fourth a beast on computers. At first it was just to train and be health, but after Yi got kidnapped they all decided to push themselves to the limit. So that they could be strong together. And it worked off, no one ever dared to touch them.

Yi on the other hand opened a café at 19 years, just after his kidnapping. The café was such a huge success that it turn into a franchise. None of them would have ever though Yi would be a CEO of anything. He was connected to the underworld, where Tian came from. So they all though that he would follow the path of darkness. But Yi is a free spirit, his beauty and kindness attracted a lot of people. He earn the nickname xiān zǐ, meaning fairy, it was fitting. His mother often came to help him out. And she was as beautiful as her son, Mo then knew where the nutjob got his beauty from. Mo and his mom had a similar situation. He got his bone structure, hair, nose and eyes from his mom. His personality he mostly got from his dad, stubborn and hardworking.

* * *

‘Mo.’

He didn’t answer right away. It took the seafood chef three times for Mo to answer.

‘Fucking hell, Mo are you sleepwalking?’

He waved his hands closely to his face, his eyes unfocused.

‘uhm..what? what?’

He felt embarrassed, his cheeks pink from drifting away for a few seconds.

‘Mo you should go home, you’re on vacation. We can handle it for a few days. Besides it isn’t a busy period.’

Mo knows Do Hwan is lying, he wasn’t a good liar. When he was lying he would avoid Mo’s eyes at all costs, pretending to be busy doing something super important that required his full attention. Mo laughed, Do Hwan could be such an idiot. He was one of his fewer good friends he made over the years besides Yi and Xi. 

‘Sorry man, I just came to check on you guys.’

He watched as Hwan carefully opened up a crab. Mo was the meat chef, specialist in meat dishes. Now that he took vacation, Hwan took his part in the kitchen. Mo knows he shouldn’t be, but he felt guilty to put Hwan through this. He was forced to take vacation after he would black out a few time in the kitchen. His mind drifted to stupid Tian too much, his worrying turn into something dangerous.

He didn’t tell anyone. He has difficulties with his emotions. He went to his therapist a few times for it. She was a family acquaintance of Xi. He pushed him to speak to her a few years ago after his father died, he couldn’t deal with it all too well. He was glad Xi pushed him, he was to prideful and scared to ask for help at that time. He thought he could heal on his own with his mother, Tian, Yi and Xi at his side. It turned out that it wasn’t enough. They knew all he was getting help back then, but now he keeps it a secret. His reactions… seems… slow, his therapist said. Like he was in a different time or a different place. He would often just stop in his tracks and just stand there watching the world slow down. His mind drifting to his younger years. He had trouble sleeping and would be hunted by awful nightmares. He has difficulty with changes. The slightest change can set him off. The balance in his mind gets triggered and his health takes a huge downfall. He was way worse in his teens and it took him years to be where he is now. He can’t control his emotions so he shuts them out…

‘I’ll be out of your damn hair. Call me if you need me!’

He exited the restaurant with a heavy heart. Still feeling guilty about the work he has to leave behind. It was the only thing that could keep him occupied. Besides working and training, he didn’t really had anything else to do. He should head home…

When he snapped back to reality he was standing in the living room. He had groceries in his hands, he had to make dinner. It was almost 6 p.m., he took his time to walk around the city. He went to the riverside, he took some beer and snacks and enjoyed the view and the people that would pass by. He thought about the time when Tian got suspended from school because he fought She Li for his sake…

* * *

**Six years ago**

_Tian was avoiding him. He was avoiding him because he got suspended because of him. It was all his fault. Before he knew Mo, Tian was a top student with no problems on his hands. Now he got suspended because of him. When he came down from the rooftop he got grabbed by the arm. It was his classroom teacher, who dragged him straight to the principal’s office. There awaited Tian and the other fuckers that trapped him before with She Li. The only one who was not there was that fucking snake. _

_‘Where the fuck is She Li?!’ _

_He needed an answer, before he fucking lost it._

_‘Be quite student! You violated school rules, you have no right to ask questions.’_

_‘What do you mean? I..I didn’t do anything wrong!’ _

_He tried to defend myself before being accused of anything. _

_‘I said be quite!’ _

_The principal yelled a few decibels louder. It felt like he was already being accused...Mo was aware that everything will be his fault. He was always the trouble kid. The other boys standing in the room all came from high status. Their parents funded the place, Tian’s practically owned the school. He at least was glad that Tian wouldn’t get in trouble. He didn’t wanted to owe him this. The principal calmed down and cleared his throat before continuing. He was sweating obnoxiously. _

_‘As I was saying, you have violated the school rules and will be punished as accordingly. You two boys write an apology and hand it over to your classroom teacher. Take them to the nurse’s office, for crying out loud.’_

_He pointed at the classroom teacher. They thanked the principal and faked an apology before leaving Tian and Mo alone in the room. He turns his attention to Tian, ignoring Mo completely. He was sweating even more than before. _

_‘Mr. He, you are free to go, I heard you past by and tried to stop the whole situation. We are so sorry for the inconvenient. You should also go to the nurse’s office. And if there is anything you need, please tell your teachers.’_

_He had a sweet fake smile on his face. Tian still didn’t lift his head up, still looking at the floor. His hands behind his back, Mo looked at his face and it looked like he was in deep thoughts.. He must hate him.. first he got him in this mess than he rejected him and now he had to deal with this bullshit. Mo’s heavily sigh caught the attention of the principal. _

_‘And you, you’re suspended for two weeks! You get to help the janitor out! Consider yourself lucky, if it wasn’t for your teacher I would have kicked you out of this place a long time ago! You think this school is a joke? You think you can do what you want? How many times have I warned you? You don’t take school seriously, well than you have already set your future. You shou…’ _

_It didn’t stop. This was a shitshow. He was glad the other two assholes left. Tian still hadn’t moved… _

_‘Can I go now?’_

_Mo interrupted. He was tired and he wanted to go home. He had about enough of this charade. _

_‘How dare you interrupted me!’ _

_The principal got up this time after hitting the desk with his hands._

_‘You won’t listen and I’m tired, so can I go now?’_

_Mo still sounded as if he was bored. He had years of training, pretending like something wasn’t effecting him. He was done with everything and everyone. _

_‘Do you want to get kicked out?! You already got suspended a few months ago! It was you who provoked She Li and got him hurt! He is in the hospital because of you! You even got Mr. He in this mess! Are you even sure you won’t get sued for what you did?!’ _

_The sweating, puffing and redness has reached maximal level. This man was about to have a heart attack. Mo sighed, with his fucking luck it wouldn’t surprise him if it did happen. Another thing he might get on his plate. _

_‘Sir, can you please sit down.’ _

_It was Tian. His voice was deep and hard, he uses this voice only when he was being absolutely serious. The principal looked at Tian before sitting down. He took out a handkerchief and mopped off his sweat. Tian sat down on one of the chairs in the room, used for parents or important people. He crossed his legs and arms, leaned back and threw his neck back. He let out a loud sigh, like he was bothered by something. When he faced the principal it made Mo shiver. His eyes harbored darkness in them, his lips curled up but he didn’t smile. Mo never saw him like that, ever._

_‘Mr. Mo Guan Shan over here and I are the victims of his situation. You see, it was Mr. She Li who attack Mr. Mo Guan in the classroom with the two boys you just let go, giving out an absurd punishment. As Mr. Mo Guan and I consider ourselves friends, I stepped in to protect my friend. I beat up the two boys and put Mr. She Li in the hospital. Now that you understand the whole situation, I suggest you think before you speak Mr. principal.’_

_Both Mo and the principal looked at He Tian like they didn’t hear what they just heard._

_‘Tian..’_

_Mo tried to speak up but his voice got stuck in his throat. _

_‘You will punish correctly and accordingly. Those who fought will get suspended from school, those who didn’t will not.’ _

_Mo caught Tian’s eyes for a second before reversing back to the principal. Guilt._

_‘Do I make myself clear Mr. principal?’_

_The principal stuttered an unnecessary loud yes before being quite again._

_‘Good.’ _

_Tian untangled his arms and legs, leaned in to rest his elbows on his knees with his fingers entwined. He looked the other man dead in the eyes. _

_‘Because if I ever found out you wrongly accuse a student about something he didn’t do, it will be your last day on that chair. Now, be so kind and sincerely apologize to Mr. Mo Guan Shan.’ _

_He got up after that._

_‘I..I I I’m s..s sorry Mr. Mo Guan Shan. I..I..I shouldn’t hhhave accused yyyou of anything. As the principal I appppologize.’ _

_He bowed deeply to Mo, Mo felt bad and lightly bowed back. Tian didn’t had to go so hard on the man. He turn around to look at him. He looked like someone he didn’t knew. Like they were strangers, he hated it… _

_‘Call my brother and explain the situation to him, tell him to come pick me up. And as I’m the one who started the fight, I’ll be the one getting suspended and work with the janitor.’ _

_Before Mo could protest it, Tian turned around and walked out of the door._

_‘Excuse me, Sir.’_

_Mo turn to the principal before following Tian. The principal tried to stop him._

_‘Wait, Mr. Mo Guan! I..I hope you don’t mention this to to to your parents or to anyone for that matter. I..It was wrong of me to speak before properly investigate the i..i..issue. Could you please not tell anyone, you see this school has a reputation to uphold.’_

_‘Sir, I really don’t fucking care about all this. I do care about what He Tian just said. He didn’t do anything, he was just trying to help.’ _

_Mo hurried to the corridor, hoping to find Tian there._

_‘Tian, Tian!’ _

_Too late, Tian was nowhere to be found. _

_‘Shit, did he go left or right?’_

_Mo decided with left and ran as fast as he could. _

_‘Bastard!’_

_He stopped when he looked upstairs and downstairs but no sign for the other boy. He just wanted to talk to him, to at least apologize from getting him in that mess. He was nowhere to be found, Mo even got hold of the janitor a few times but he was always alone. He tried to ask Yi and Xi about Tian’s whereabouts but the two wouldn’t tell him, always giving out excuses. After about three days Mo got the hint. Tian was avoiding him on purpose, of course…who would still want to hang around a troublesome guy like him…he understood. But why did it hurt so much? They barely knew each other._

* * *

_‘Mom?’ _

_Mo called out to get her attention. He was helping her with dinner. _

_‘I need to tell you something but I need you to be calm, can you promise me that?’ _

_He was cutting vegetables at the table while his mom was busy at the stove. She turned around after lowering the heat of a big pot, knowing it will be a long conversation. When his mom took place at the table he continued. _

_‘A friend of mine got suspend after he hurt someone that tried to hurt me.’ _

_‘Are you hurt? Are you okay?’ Her eyes full of worry. _

_‘yeah I mean no, I..I’m fine. But my friend got suspended for defending me. And I tried to talk to the principal but he wouldn’t hear me out.. because my friend took the whole blame on himself.’ _

_His mom got up. _

_‘Tomorrow we’ll go to your principal! How dare he! What if you got hurt?’ _

_Mo grabbed her hands, before her thoughts escalated. _

_‘Ma, no listen, please sit down. What’s done been done, Tian wanted to take responsibility for his actions. _

_His mom set back down putting a hand on his. _

_‘Did Tian protect you?’ _

_Mo stayed silent but nodded. _

_‘Did you thank him?’ _

_Mo shakes his head._

_‘No, he’s avoiding me at school. And he doesn’t want talk to me.. I kind of hurt his feelings..’ _

_Mo avoided his mom’s eyes and felt his face warm up while he remembers what happened at the rooftop. He didn’t know how to explain this to her. His mom gave him some time to think. _

_‘Sweetheart, do you like Tian as a friend? Or does he mean more to you?’ _

_Mo’s eyes immediately shot up to meet his mom’s. She kept her hands on his, caressing them. She could see the fear and terror in this eyes. His face conflicted. _

_‘Sweetie, you don’t have to be afraid. You know I love you either way. You are my son and who you love is your happiness and if He Tian makes you happy than don’t think twice about what other people think.’_

_She caressed his cheek. She worked hard and long but her hands always felt soft. _

_‘I..I pushed him away...I don’t know ma...I don’t know how I feel about him. I hurt him and he hates me...’ _

_Tears where on the edge. _

_‘He confessed to me… he likes me… more than a friend.’ _

_Mo paused a few seconds, it’s the first time he said these words out loud. _

_‘But but I…’ _

_A single tear rolled on his cheek. His mom wiped it away but he continued because he need the advice his mom has to offer. He couldn’t fix this on this own. _

_‘I pushed him away without thinking about how he feels or how I feel. I have never experienced this and it hurts.’ _

_He took a deep breath and tried not to spill any more tears. Please keep it together._

_‘What should I do? I messed up so bad, I don’t know how to make this right. I don’t want to lose him, ma.’ _

_He asks his mom, he was lost on his own. _

_‘Go to him. Go take some ingredients and cook for him. Talk to him about what you are feeling now. Tell him what you are thinking, what your fears and doubts are. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with him. Be strong and proud.’ _

_He nodded, she was right. He hugged his mom tightly, wondering what he would do without her. He got up, hurried to his bedroom to take a jacket and his keys. _

_‘I’ll text you.’ _

_He needs to talk to him, to explain himself. _


	7. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of the future side story

He was cutting the meat in slices while Frank Sinatra was singing in the background. He smiled when he reminisced about the past. How much he changed, how much they changed together. That night after his confession he was still so unsure about his feelings for Tian. He knew he felt something for him and those feelings where more than what you suppose to feel for a friend. Slowly Tian won his heart over completely. At first it was still searching, all new. Knowing the little things about each other, likes and dislikes. They were both in their first relationship and they would fight but make up fast afterwards. Both gave and took, they balanced each other even though it was rocky.

Tian’s family business was another story. Tian tries to turn the whole corporation legal. He would often fight with his family and it would ruin his whole mood for days. Mo tries to understand and be there for him. But it would sometimes be hard, like now. He was left alone, again…

He was sitting on the floor. This time with a beer in his hand. What would had been a business trip of a few days turned into a lost person of more than five months. Mo was beyond disappointed, sad and extremely furious. He simply could and would not understand how he doesn’t contact him. Not once. He knows Tian doesn’t do that to protect Mo but it was bullshit. He could at least send someone or something to assure Mo that he was still fucking alive and well.

How can he keep waiting for a person that is not thinking about him. How could he be calm and carry out his life alone. Waiting. He was tired and he felt abandoned. What if Tian fell out of love with him? What if he doesn’t love him anymore. Maybe he got tired of him and found someone who was more like him, from his world…

He took a long drag from his cigarette and looked outside the window. It was summer and he opened one of the enormous windows ajar. When he felt the summer breeze through his buzzcut, he heard the code to open the front door. He got up instantly.

‘Hey…little Mo.’

Like nothing happened. Mo looked at the man that was the first person he felt so strongly for apart from his parents. He could not fucking believe he just said hey little Mo. He looked like he had a rough time doing business. He had a few new cuts on his face and arms. His hair got longer and was messy as hell. His eyes were screaming death. He felt relief and then sad for the wreck in front of him. He felt the anger creeping from his toes to his legs, moving to his arms and then…it hit a spot in his brain that is meant for killing people…

Tian could see the sudden dangerous change in Mo. He looked physically stronger than before. Yi is the top in machines, Xi a beast on computers, Tian the best with weapons but Mo…Mo is the one who is undefeatable in combat…

‘Babe, okay at least hear me out.’

Klick. Tian was going to get more hurt and it will be much more painful…because Mo hits precisely and calculating…

‘Hold up, Mo! Wait!’

He ran like a raging bull, didn’t gave Tian time to think. Without any warning he swinged his left arm at Tian, aiming for this right cheek. It was a direct hit, Tian wasn’t as fast as him, he instantly fell dizzy but didn’t go down. It takes way more than that to get him on the floor. Without hesitation another hit to the stomach. That one knocked the air right out of his lungs. He was grasping for air and tried to back up before he got killed. Tian couldn’t look him in the eyes, knowing that what he will find will only hurt him more than what he physically felt.

‘Mo…ppplease let me, aaah fuck! Let me explain!’

He didn’t. He came at him again this time he jumped high, at the same level of Tian’s head and aimed his right knee to his face. Luckily Tian moved faster and got out of the way, that would have knock him out, cold turkey. He had to defend his head again with his arms because without skipping a beat Mo makes a turn and swinged his elbow, almost hitting his left eye. Tian forgot to defend his torso, again… he was too late. Mo knocked the air out of his lungs again by punching a right hook in his liver. This time he felt to his knees, he could taste the blood in his mouth. Mo took a handful of his shirt, hard. And put his weight on Tian’s shoulders to lay him on his back. He wasn’t gentle doing so, it was meant to hurt.

‘Mo.’

Mo got on top of him. Tian couldn’t see his face, his vision too blurry by the hits. He could only hear his own breath and his heartbeat in his ears loudly.

‘Mo, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’

The hold on his collar tightened and Tian had his hands on top of Mo’s. Gentle, because he knows he deserves this. He left him all alone. He didn’t text nor call him to assure him he was fine and that he didn’t had to worry. He was selfish, making a guy like Mo, so beautiful, so patient, so loving.. waiting for a guy like him. Someone who was uncertain of his future and carried an awful past. How could he ever make this right. There was no way he would forgive him… He had to close his eyes to get his vision back. He caress the wrists that where crushing his windpipe and let out a trembling sigh. 

He was afraid to open his eyes. He was afraid. The hands on his collar suddenly loosened but weren’t removed completely. Mo’s hands were now flat on his chest. He unexpectedly felt Mo’s weight shift and a light touch on his forehead. Mo placed his own forehead on his… He couldn’t breathe, everything was hurting. What could he do? What could he say? Whatever came out of his mouth only made Mo more angry. But they needed to talk, they could not let this be the end.

‘I’m… I know you hate me... And I hate myself.’

He took a deep breath trough his nose, smelling the man on top of him. A mix of tobacco and lavender. He spoke but it was almost like he was whispering, afraid of the outcome he induced.

‘I don’t… I can’t lose you, Mo. I know I’m being selfish right now. And you can find someone better… kinder… less fucked up… someone how deserves you completely. I’m not worthy of you and I’m so lucky to have you in my life.’

He feels the tears from his eye corners rolling down.

‘I love you and I won’t lose you… I’m sorry but… I won’t.’

He didn’t had any confidents, but he won’t let him go without putting up a fight.

‘Please.’

That last word, came out broken. He was broken but what Mo must be feeling… it was a million times more devastating.

‘Please.’

Mo needed to leave. He needed to go, he couldn’t stay. He was afraid he will hurt Tian more than he already did, he wasn’t satisfied. He wanted to hurt him more. He was done, this was not working. They would fight all the time. Voices that get louder that turned into yelling, unconscious words that would be thrown to each other, hours without speaking to each other… but this… this never happened before. They have never hit each other intentionally.. and Mo just did. He hit him and the emotions where eating his insides. He lost control and he hurt him, he was shutting down. Putting the walls that where long forgotten back up.

Mo lifted his head up, his whole body and removed his hands on the man he supposed to love. He didn’t open his eyes to look at him. He was looking at the wall opposed to him.

Tian opened his eyes immediately when he felt the pressure on his forehead disappear. He could only see Mo’s side profile…his face was emotionless. His whole posture was nerve-wracking.

‘Mo…please talk to me.’

He got up and went after him. Tian got a hold of one of his arms, Mo rapidly turn around and pulled him extremely close. There faces a few inches away. They both didn’t say a word, only stared intensely at each other. Tian alright spilled some tears making his eyes brick red. But Mo’s eyes where blank, he looked like a statue.

‘Let. Go.’

Mo strongly pulled his arm away. He was not going to spill useless word. But Tian was stubborn, if they would end this life they have together than at least they’ll do it when everything has been said. Tian got in front of him.

‘No. I will not let you go. Not until you talk or yell. I need to know what you think!’

‘Ha, you want to know what I fucking think..’

Mo tried to move pass him but he didn’t gave up.

‘Move.’

Mo’s voice still sounded deep and emotionless.

‘No.’

Tian’s voice hide nothing. He was as open as he could be. This tears visible and begging. When he didn’t move Mo grabbed him by the collar again but this time Tian didn’t defend himself. He let anything happen to him now.

‘You fucking bastard…’

Mo almost whispered the words.

‘I’m always waiting for you. To tell me that it will be the last time. That you…That you will be here with me. Ha.’

He took a sharp breath.

‘What do you want from me? You want me to be on standby? To only be yours whenever it suits you? Tell me you bastard, because whatever you want I think I can’t give anymore.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘STOP SAYING YOUR FUCKING SORRY. I want to know why you want me here! Why the fuck won’t you let me go?! Why won’t you let me live my life? This isn’t working, I can’t keep doing this. Waiting for you to come home, waiting for a text or call. Please…’

Mo put his forehead back on Tian’s.

‘Please, let me go.’

His voice finally trembles. Tian got slightly hopeful. He carefully cupped his face.

‘I will never, do you hear me Mo Guan Shan, I will NEVER let you go, I love you. I always have and always will.’

Finally the tears spilled, the walls crumbled. Tian held him in an tight embrace which made Mo cry softly. Mo put his nose on his neck and he felt him slip out of his embrace, he lost consciousness. Tian panicked but softly place him on the floor to check if he was okay. It seemed like he had a fever, he must have exhausted himself. It was all Tian’s fault. He picked him up and went to their bedroom. He placed Mo carefully on the bed. He turned to get some medication from the kitchen. He needed to contact his home chef for some food. And then he needed to get a bowl with some water that wasn’t too cold and some towels. Did he forget something? No, right, that’s all. Wait, he should contact his home doctor. Before he could move he heard a soft whisper, he barley caught it.

‘Don’t go.’

‘I won’t. But I need to get you some things to make you feel better again. Please let me take care of you.’

He didn’t get an answer back, he has to move quickly before Mo got up again. He called his doctor that came a few minutes later, he put Mo on an IV and assured him that the collapsing was due to stress. He scolded him, he needed to take more care of Mo. His chef delivered the food after the doctor went out. Which he also got a scolding from, he even got a punch to the arm. When he kicked the bastard out, well not without a thank you, he got back to Mo’s side with a bowl and a towel. He gently wiped the sweat from his body.

* * *

Mo opened his eyes. His body felt heavy yet light. He looked outside the window and he could tell it was early morning. The sunrise hit his pupils. He had such a bad dream, he didn’t remember how he got to bed. Did he.. When he went to put his hand on his forehead he saw the IV on his hand… a shiver went down his back, goosebumps all over his body.

‘Tian.’

His throat hurt from being to dry. Did he leave again? He pulled the IV out and got up. But didn’t go far before falling softly on the fluffy carpet. Did he leave? Did he make him leave… That’s not what he wanted. He was angry but he never meant to make him leave…

‘Tian.’

He gathered his strength and got back up on his feet. He rushed to the living room to search for his phone hoping he could call him or call Cheng, or Qiu. He needed to say sorry. He opened the door to the living room and saw him standing in the kitchen. He was contemplating something. He got closer to make sure he wasn’t dreaming this. He got behind him and stopped a few feet. Afraid to approach him.

‘I’m sorry.’

It startled Tian, almost dropping the spoon he had in his hand.

‘Jesussss Christ, fuck!’

Mo froze. What should he do? He hurt him. Tian avoided his graze, he was scratching his neck and looked nervous.

‘ahm sorry you startled me. Ahhmm I’m warming up some food for you to eat, well trying to. Did you take out the IV, you should have waited…’

He was going to touch his hand that had the IV in but he stopped himself and stepped back.

‘ahm I mean, it’s not good for you to just pull it out like that.’

‘I though you left.’

That made there eyes connect, both filled with guilt and sorrow.

‘No, I…I’ll never leave.’

‘I hurt you.’

Mo couldn’t keep the eye contact, it was too hard to bare. There was a glass of water that Tian placed next to him, he took the glass and drank it empty.

‘No, It’s nothing compared to what I put you through.’

‘Tian, I’m sorry. I..’

Tian doesn’t want to interrupt whatever he had on his mind, he never looked so troubled.

‘It happens, it’s okay. I know you didn't mean it. I trained enough with you to know that you where holding back. If you wanted to really hurt me, you would have done worse. It's fine, I don’t feel it anymore.’

‘No, don’t make excuses. I shouldn’t have done it. I know what I can cause with my punches and the fact that I did that to you… it’s not okay. I… Tian I’m sorry.’

Both their eyes were getting teary. Fuck what was this, what where they doing. They both loved each other so much. Some stupid misunderstandings and a complex communication lead them to this… 

‘Did I lose you?..’

Tian almost didn’t get the words out.

‘No…No! Tian… You will never lose me.’

He ran to his husband and threw his arms around his neck, tight. He was pouring his all into that hug. Tian immediately hug him back. Both didn’t wanted to lose the other, both made mistakes.

‘I love you, you idiot. I love you with my whole heart, you have me. You have all of me.’

They were crying. Again. They were a bunch of idiots, they really need to work on there communication.

‘Can we forgive each other now?’

Mo backed up a few inches to look Tian in the eyes. He looked stunning, his orange buzzcut suited him the best out of all his haircuts. He noticed a new piercing on his right ear, his favorites being the one on the eyebrow and one on the nipple. His smile was breathtaking. Tian picked up Mo, placed him on the kitchen counter and put a soft kiss on his temple.

‘I forgive you, if you can forgive me.’

Mo put a kiss right underneath Tian’s ear as his answer. Which lead Tian to take hold of his neck and kiss him deep and passionately. The kiss full of want, desire, love. It was hot and messy, too much tongue and a lot of sucking. But both unbothered by it. Tian slightly touching his beloved more, craving him, he puts a hand underneath his shirt. Caressing his muscles and slowly bringing his hand up to the nipple with the piercing. That broke of the kiss with a soft moan that escapes Mo’s lips.

Tian picked Mo up and walked to the living room and placed him on his back on the sofa. Mo pulled Tian back into a kiss while backing up to make some room. Tian was smiling a lot in the kiss. He pulled Mo's shirt up so his chest was bare. He lower his head and started to kiss above his belly button. Working his way up to one of his favourite places on the fox. 

Mo had his long, slim fingers in his lover's raven black hair. While Tian was stimulating his sensitive nipples he pulled the hair tie that was holding his messy hair in place. He liked it, it was different, the long hair strings tickled his fair skin.

He was getting hard and no doubt that the man on top of him was the same. The desire for each other was strong. But he remembers that they both wouldn't enjoy it, as Mo was still recovering.

‘Wait, Tian... Sorry, but I should eat something first if you want me to have strength.’

He shyly laughed which made Tian blush. How couldn’t he when he is with someone like Mo… even after all these years Mo still made him feel everything.

‘You don’t need to apologize for that, if you don’t want something, I’ll stop. I always remind you of that.’

‘Yeah, thanks.’

‘Come, you need to tell me how to set up the stove again for warming up food. Because I was about to riot. But we should first do something about that hand of yours.’

He kissed his nose and picked him of the sofa.

‘Next to the refrigerator, the left cabinet above. You’ll find the first aid kit. I restocked the supplies, I see you need some too.’

He held Tian’s hands in his and kissed the small fresh cuts, and caressed the scars on his face. Tian getting all mellow.

They spend the morning patching each other up. Mo teaching Tian for the million time how to warm up food, which they than devoured together. Kissing and touching one another, talking about what they did in the months that they weren’t together.

Mo finding out that Tian finally made the family business legal, no criminal activities, well… a whole lot less. Mo was thrilled, he almost couldn’t believe it, crushing Tian in a hug. Tian really had been working nonstop to convince the family, which had a lot of branches.

Mo confessed he goes to therapy, which made Tian worry a lot but he was glad Mo went. Now that he is older he understands that mental health is as important as physical health, and that the two are connected. It was something deep hidden in Mo that Tian’s absent triggered, he had a fear of being abandoned. He is learning how to deal with it and tries to understand it, Tian felt proud of his little fox.

‘You’re doing good little Mo, I’m proud of you.’

That earned him a hasty hard kiss before Mo pulled at his hair bun. At noon Mo cut Tian’s hair to a shorter hairstyle with a pair of clippers at home, it took Mo almost two hours to convince Tian to sit down. After he was happy with the result, he ordered Tian to wash up so that they could go to Yi and Xi for a barbeque.

He stepped in the bathroom, closing the door and stand there to watch him under the shower.

‘Are you going to join?’

Tian’s back facing Mo. Without seeing it, he could hear the smile that came with the invitation.

‘Maybe, It depends on how you’ll behave.’

Tian turns around. Smiling and stretching his arm out to offer his hand. Mo softly scoff and returns the smile. Taking his hand and being pulled under the showerhead, fully clothed. Mo’s cursing and Tian’s stupid laugh filled the apartment.

Life was getting better and they both knew that whatever happens, that they have each other. And that the life they share together was worth fighting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, I have finally finished this story after months of delay.  
I hope you like it as much as I do.
> 
> Let us all pray for a good and happy ending for our boys!~


End file.
